


fluctuations

by queerfawn



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: (not really but), Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bigender Character, Gen, Genderfluid Character, M/M, Misgendering, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Polyamorous relationship, Trans Male Character, Trans!Hamilton, i wil fight anyone who criticizes the choice of the name Jay, no one is cis, nonbinary characters - Freeform, vague college AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-03
Updated: 2016-08-15
Packaged: 2018-07-29 00:06:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7662427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queerfawn/pseuds/queerfawn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A short fic exploring the adventures of a genderfluid John Laurens (also known as Jay) and their partners</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. small loving things

**Author's Note:**

> Ahhh okay here's the first chapter of the fic w/ genderfluid John. Does it suck? Probably. Do I care? Ehhh not really.  
> Disclaimer: I no longer ID as genderfluid and though I am polyamorous I've never been in a poly relationship.  
> There will be three chapters in this fic, each using different pronouns and exploring different things. Pls do not missgender anyone.

Jay ran her fingers absently over the bruises on her knuckles, hoping to ground herself with the slight aching pain. It wasn't working particularly well. Her heart was still trying to hammer its way out of her chest as she waited for her partners to join her in the bedroom. It wasn't often she called a meeting and she had no doubt they were anxious, thinking it was something terrible or frightening. Well, it was rather frightening for her, but they didn't need to know that.

She was the girl who started fights in bars and clubs, after all. She had fucking met Alexander as he broke up one of these fights. She supposed she must look good with a fractured nose and bloodied knuckles since he'd cleaned her up and given her his number.

Jay was pulled from her reverie as Alexander and Lafayette finally walked in. They were both clearly very nervous and she almost felt bad. Lafayette spoke first, brow furrowed as they sat down on the bed beside her and took her hand.

"John, mon amour, whatever is wrong?" 

She reminded herself not to get angry of frustrated as they used the wrong name. They didn't know. That's why she'd asked them to talk.

"Nothing's wrong. So, you two stop looking like you're waiting on a bad diagnosis, I swear it's gonna be fine," They both seemed to relax, though still looked undeniably curious.

"Then what exactly did you want to tell us?" Alexander asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I'm not cis," She blurted out before she could lose her courage. "I've been doing a lot of research and I think the best word to describe what I feel is 'genderfluid'," She let herself trail off, smiling when Lafayette nodded encouragingly. "I have masculine days and feminine days and some days where I'm not much of anything. I've known for a while but I wanted to figure it out for myself before I told you guys."

"What do you want us to call you, and what pronouns should we use?" Alexander asked, head cocked to the side. "Are you going to do the same thing as Lafayette and go by Laurens and use they/them pronouns?"

Jay scrunched her nose and shook her head. "No. I'll tell you all what pronouns to use day to day. As for my name, John is fine on masculine days. But for feminine days I think I want to use Jay, and neutral days are kinda... Anything."

"And what should we use today?" Lafayette asked.

"Jay and she/her," Jay replied eagerly, a little thrill of excitement running through her. She figured her partners would take it well but she had still been worried. Alexander was trans and Lafayette was bigender, so any other reaction really wouldn't've made sense.

"Well," Said Alexander, crawling over to Jay and pulling her into his lap. "Jay I could not be happier that you felt comfortable enough to tell us. I couldn't ask for a better girlfriend."

Lafayette jumped in then, flopping on top of them and making both of their partners laugh. "Don't hog her Alexander, it's not polite," They complained and Jay's heart soared.

None of them got much done that day, instead opting to sit and talk and shower Jay in affection. It was quite possibly one of the happiest days of her life and she wasn't sure she could've asked for better partners.

—————

Jay frowned at her reflection in the changing room mirror. The dress fit a little awkwardly and the outline of her boxers was painfully obvious. She was disappointed, though she had foreseen this result. It wasn't as if they made feminine clothing with people like her in mind.

"Mon petit chou, come out and let me see," Lafayette said eagerly from where they stood just outside. She let out a heavy sigh and unlocked the door, frowning slightly as she stepped out to show them. It wasn't anything fancy, just a sleeveless black dress that fell to about halfway down her thighs.

They clapped excitedly, looking her up and down in a way that made a flush rise on her cheeks. "You look beautiful Jay."

"Thank you, Laf," She replied, running a hand through her hair as she often did when anxious. "I'm not sure though. It doesn't look right, it's not made for me. I'm not sure why I thought this was a good idea."

The person pulled her into a kiss before she could continue. "Non, it looks positively wonderful on you. If you truly feel uncomfortable in what they have here, perhaps we could ask Hercules to make you something?"

Jay looked down at her bare feet, the pattern of the scratchy carpet giving her something to focus on. "I don't want to be a bother," She insisted.

Lafayette shushed her, pressing another quick kiss to her lips. "Nonsense, you are never a bother. Why don't you try on the rest and if you can't find anything we'll talk to Hercules."

Jay agreed somewhat reluctantly, deterred by her initial impression of how the clothes would look on her. However the pair emerged with two dresses and a skirt, as well as a few undergarments. 'To complete the ensemble' Lafayette had whispered in her ear, sending a little thrill down her spine.

Jay placed her items on the checkout counter, practically high on Lafayette's encouragement and completely forgetting how most of the world would perceive her. The lady at the register gave the pair a smile and began to scan the items.

"Who are you two shopping for today? A friend, girlfriend?" She asked innocently. "I always think it's so sweet seeing guys shop for the women in their lives."

Jay shrunk in on herself, staring down at her sneakers. This really had been a mistake. She should just continue to wear her masculine clothes despite her gender on any given day.

"Actually," Lafayette interrupted, slinging their arm around her shoulder. "They're for my girlfriend Jay here."

Confusion and then embarrassment flashed across the sales clerks face as she accepted Lafayette's credit card and bagged their items. "I'm very sorry, ma'am. I hope you two have a very nice day." Jay gave her a quick smile before taking the bag and hurrying out of the store alongside her partner, more than eager to get home.

"I doubt that could've gone much better," Jay muttered as she got into Laf's car, reluctant to accept the harsh reality that not everyone would be as accepting as her partners.

"Don't let her get you down mon chou," Lafayette said gently, leaning over the console to press a kiss to Jay's temple.

She was silent for the entirety of the drive home, even keeping quiet long after they arrived. She heard Alexander and Lafayette talking to each other in what they must think were hushed tones as she studied on the couch. She had half the mind to call out that she could hear them, perhaps accompanied with an insult. She didn't.

"Hey Jay," Alexander said a little too casually, sitting down and wrapping an arm around her shoulders. "How are you?"

If there was one thing she had learned from this relationship it was that he rarely asked how you were unless he knew something was wrong. In leu of a response she simply shrugged, placing her book aside and snuggling into his side. She allowed her eyes to slip shut and let out a small sigh, feeling content in her boyfriends arms despite the previous emotional turmoil.

"Laf told me what happened," Alexander said gently. "I'm really sorry. I know how terrible it feels to be missgendered like that."

Jay sighed again and hid her face in his shoulder. She noted absently that his chest was unbound and felt a small surge of happiness that he felt comfortable enough around her and Laf to let his guard down to such a degree. "I suppose I should get used to it, shouldn't I?"

Alexander made a noise somewhere between distressed and disgusted. "No, never. The general public need to get used to the existence of trans people. Get their heads out of their cocky cisgender asses."

Jay laughed slightly. "I'm not sure if an ass can be cocky."

She realized her mistake as soon as Alexander began to speak. "I thought you were gay- figured you'd know just how cocky an ass can be."

She forced another laugh and punched him lightly. Gay. A man who liked men and masculine people. She didn't blame Alexander, she'd identified herself as gay since long before they started dating. It wasn't his fault the word made her feel a little sick today, reminded her of how wrong this skin was.

Alexander talked for several more minutes, explaining a group project he was working on as Jay did her best to listen. She found an opportunity to excuse herself as quickly as she could and made the excuse of taking a shower.

She crept back to the bedroom the three of them shared most nights and retrieved one of her new dresses, smiling slightly. She was just grabbing a towel when Lafayette draped their arms around her, only scaring her slightly.

"Mind if I join you?"

Jay shrugged, leaning back onto the person. "If you wanna."

They were undressing before either of them spoke again. "Do you mind telling me what's bothering you?" Lafayette asked gently.

Jay sighed, knowing better than to hide anything from her partner. "It's stupid," She said dismissively, turning on the warm water and stepping into the shower as Lafayette followed.

"If it has you upset I very much doubt that." They quirked a well shaped eyebrow, prompting her to continue.

"Alexander just called me gay and, I don't know, it kinda hurt. Because that's just- it's not me today," Jay replied, frowning. Lafayette pulled her into their arms and the pair stood beneath the shower head in silence for just a moment.

"Mon coeur you need to tell him how you feel about the word then," They replied, managing to avoid sounding chastising.

"I know, I know," She sighed. "But what do I say?"

"That you aren't comfortable being called gay when you do not feel like a man. Can I wash your hair?" The second statement seemed to be an afterthought but Jay nodded eagerly, figuring their fingers in her hair would serve as a good distraction.

It did. Instead of thinking about her boyfriend missgendering her in a way she focused on Lafayette doing their best to comb out any tangles. As opposed to lingering on a flat chest and strange genitals she hummed appreciatively as they massaged her scalp lightly. She didn't even spare a thought to the salesclerk from earlier in the day as they tugged somewhat harshly- the way they knew would make her gasp.

"Laf," She whined, leaning back into their chest again.

"Yes, Jay?" They asked innocently and she could have slapped them. She turned around quickly, trying not to slip as she pressed a kiss to their lips. Something nearly chaste elevated at quite an impressive pace.

Jay hardly noticed when her partner turned off the water, but made a pleased sound as they pressed her against the shower wall. Their hands were on her hips, fingers digging into the flesh there as they bit down hard on her lip. She groaned softly, letting herself slip away beneath able hands.

"Do you need bruises today Jay?" They asked, pressing kisses along her jaw. One of their hands ran up her side, making a fist just left of her sternum- a combination threat, offer, and promise.

"Yes," She breathed, heart already pounding as it did just before she thew the first punch of a fight.

"As you wish my beautiful girl," Lafayette murmured and Jay was sure that she could have burst into song.

Alexander joined them a bit later, complaining that the pair started without him. Jay told him her feelings on having her sexuality described as 'gay' and Alexander was horrified with himself- she did her best to calm him, first with words and then with action. Later as she drifted off between her partners she couldn't help but think this was the happiest she'd ever been.


	2. fight too hard

From: Laurens, to: The Triad Chat: hey so?? dont freak when i get home lol

From: Lafayette, to: The Triad Chat: John what in the name of Dieu did you do this time

From: Alexander, to: The Triad Chat: JOHN IF YOU GOT YOUR ASS KICKED AFAIN OS HELP ME

From: Laurens, to: The Triad Chat: babe ur doing exactly what i said not 2

Laurens smiled just slightly as they grabbed their keys to unlock the front door of the townhouse they and their partners shared. Alexander was waiting just inside, ready to pounce on them and assure their safety. He groaned loudly at the sight of their blackening eye and busted lip.

"You better have a damn good explanation Laurens," Alexander muttered, taking their hand and dragging them to the kitchen to get an ice pack.

"I do," They said defensively, sitting on the counter next to the sink and watching their boyfriend wrap the ice pack in paper towel. He handed it to them, raising an eyebrow expectantly. "Lee was being an absolute dick, harassing this girl because he wanted her number. We both told him to stop and he didn't. So I kicked his ass- seriously, I'm fine, this is nothing compared to him."

Alexander groaned. "You need to learn-"

"And," Jay interrupted, wincing at the cold against their bruised skin. "I've had a bad week, mentally. I know I should've found a more productive way to cope but it didn't happen so that's that."

Their boyfriends features went from exasperated to worried in a split second. "Babe why didn't you say anything? Me and Laf both know you get suicidal, it's nothing to be ashamed of." He pulled John into his arms, the counter giving them enough leverage to wrap their legs around the boys waist as their arms went around his neck.

"I don't know. It's just- hard. And I think I've been feeling dysphoric too and I don't know how to talk about that let alone cope with it," They let out a vaguely inhuman noise to exhibit their frustration and they could practically feel Alexander's overly anxious frown.

"How about for now you decompress and we'll talk about all of this when Laf gets home- I feel like they would appreciate being in on the conversation," Alexander said gently.

"Fine," John said with a sigh, dropping their head onto their boyfriends shoulder. "I don't know what you want me to say, Alexander. I just need to pull myself together and stop worrying you two."

Alexander shook his head slightly, kissing the place where their neck met their shoulder. "That's not true. We want to support you, and we can't do that unless we know something's wrong. We all need to communicate better."

John opened their mouth to reply when their phone chimed to indicate a new message. Reluctantly they shifted to look at the device, smiling slightly at the messages displayed.

From: Lafayette, to: The Triad Chat: What have they done now? Do I, perhaps, need to reprimand them? I wouldn't object but I'd like to know in advance

From: Lafayette, to: The Triad Chat: Merde non qui je signifiait à envoyer ce trop

From: Lafayette, to: The Triad Chat: Salut, Jay. Ignore that, perhaps?

From: Laurens, to: The Triad Chat: double check your recipient before trying to arrange my punishment next time dick bag

From: Laurens, to: The Triad Chat: ily tho

Alexander had apparently been reading the chat as well as he chuckled lightly and took John's phone, setting it aside. "I love you too."

Jay huffed, rolling their eyes. "How do you know I was talking to you? Maybe I was just talking to our wonderful- albeit dick bagish- partner."

Alexander rolled his eyes before gripping Laurens' jaw lightly. "Because I know you. Perhaps I should let them reprimand you after all," He murmured, pulling them into a kiss that was rough on their already injured lip. Had the pair not been interrupted by Lafayette getting home from work, Jay had no doubt things would have escalated to the point that they would've fucked their boyfriend against the countertop.

"Alexander, Laurens? I'm home," Lafayette called, and the rustle of clothes as they removed their coat and shoes could be heard just barely from the kitchen.

"Here," John called, combing their hands through Alexander's hair and earning a pleased noise. They could hear their partners sharp inhale as they caught sight of John's face, but chose instead to focus on the way Alexander reacted as they played with his hair.

"What happened?" Lafayette asked slowly, making Jay freeze.

"I got in a fight," They replied stiffly. They didn't understand why it was so much harder to open up like this to Lafayette. Sure, they were easier to talk to on some subjects- especially when Alexander was that subject- but otherwise they found their heart in their throat whenever they tried to confide in the person.

"Jay, why did you do that?" And there was that condescending tone that made them want to hide. They couldn't stand Lafayette being truly upset with them.

They stopped touching Alexander to draw in on themselves, shrugging in response to the question. Their boyfriend frowned and walked to Lafayette, kissing their cheek and whispering something in their ear. John avoided eye contact, tracing patterns on the countertop beneath them instead. Their breath was becoming harder to come by.

"John Laurens," Lafayette's voice was closer than it had been and they simply hummed noncommittally in response, focusing instead on drawing invisible patterns. "Are you afraid of me?"

Laurens stiffened at that. "No," Their voice was raspy and they cursed the senseless panic rising in their chest.

"Are you afraid to tell me what's going on?"

A beat. "Yes."

"Why?"

"I don't know!" They nearly shouted, finally looking Lafayette in the eyes. "If I did I'd get the fuck over it already."

Lafayette took their hand, frustratingly gentle. "Can you please tell me about the fight? Who was it with?"

"Charles Lee."

They seemed pleased with that answer, giving a concise nod. "Why did you fight Charles Lee?"

John sighed, rubbing their eyes with their free hand. "Because he was sexually harassing a girl and he needed to be taught a lesson."

"Was there another reason?"

Jay froze up there, chewing absently on their cheek. Again their heart was beating much too fast, their breathing even more difficult. 

"You don't have to tell me," Lafayette said slowly, carefully. "But I would appreciate if you did."

Laurens ran a hand over their face, eyes squished shut. "I've been suicidal again and that leads to fighting."

"Why didn't you tell us mon amour?" They asked, a hint of urgency creeping into their voice.

"I think they didn't want to upset us," Alexander interjected from his spot a few feet away, shifting awkwardly as the people turned to look at him.

"He's right," Jay muttered, eyes flicking between Lafayette and the floor anxiously.

"Mon cher, you could never upset either of us with something like that," The person said, resting a hand tentatively on their shoulder. "Right Alexander?" They added, casting their boyfriend a pointed look.

"Right, absolutely," Alexander agreed, smiling just slightly. "Hey- how about we go cuddle and order pizza? That always makes me feel better."

John nodded and hopped off the counter, trying to dart off to the bedroom before Lafayette could say more. Unfortunately their partner caught them, turning them to face the person and look them in the eye. "We can't stop here, this need to be an ongoing conversation. Je amour vous."

"Je amour vous trop."

"You guys coming?" Alexander called, apparently already having darted to the bedroom the trio shared.

Lafayette and Laurens shared a look equal parts 'I love both of you' and 'can you believe him?' before following their boyfriend. Alexander was spread starfish on the bed, which made John smile just barely. Lafayette rolled their eyes, crawling onto the bed and pulling their boyfriends head into their lap, earning a very pleased noise as they began playing with his hair. Jay was tentative, unsure where they fit into an already perfect picture. But Alexander was beckoning them over so, tentatively, they curled up half on the mans chest. They gave a real smile when Alexander did his best to wrap an arm around them.

Alexander, of course, was the one to break the extended, albeit comfortable, silence. "So, Pizza Hut?"

Lafayette and John both made a disgusted noise. "No thanks. How about that LA Gourmet place? They're pretty great," Laurens suggested.

They felt Alexander tense slightly, no doubt calculating the cost and comparing it to that of things they actually needed. "Aren't they expensive?"

"Aucun soucis mon amour, I will pay," Lafayette said in a tone that indicated no room for argument. And though Alexander huffed his frustration he didn't protest when they excused themselves to order over the phone.

"Can you hold me for real?" Jay asked tentatively, tilting their head to look at their boyfriend who flashed them a grin.

"Of course," He replied, allowing John to situate both of them however they pleased. It ended with John's head tucked neatly into Alexander's neck, chest to chest, limbs tangled together. They would let Lafayette work themselves back in.

Jay had quite honestly almost drifted off, enjoying the comfortable and very rare quiet as well as the warmth of their boyfriends body. They were only brought back to full consciousness when Lafayette scoffed from the doorway.

"I don't think I've ever seen two people more incapable of minimal physical contact in my life," They said, their tone mock chastising.

Laurens freed a hand to make grabby motions at them. "You know you love it too. Now come here, jackass."

They could've giggled when their partner joined their cuddling, ensuring John was squished comfortably between themselves and Alexander. Lafayette informed them that they'd ordered two pizzas which should arrive within the hour. John let them and Alexander babble about whatever they pleased without interruption, simply enjoying the warmth and comforting voices of their partners. Though soon they were imagining themselves fading from the picture altogether, leaving their partners content and worry free. They felt a little sick.

"Laurens?" Alexander asked quietly, earning a noncommittal hum. "You okay babe?"

They nodded, shifting to look at him. "Yeah. Why do you ask?"

He shrugged. "You were being quiet, that's all. I suppose I thought it unlike you to keep your mouth shut for so long."

Lafayette agreed. "Are you sure you're okay?" They asked cautiously.

John sighed heavily, pressing their face back into Alexander's skin and letting him muffle their words. "I'm kind of sad, trying to push it out. Have no reason to be."

They could tell their partners were exchanging a look, maybe mouthing things to each other. "How can we help?" Lafayette asked, stroking their hair.

"Just act like nothing's out of the ordinary," Laurens replied, an edge creeping into their voice. They knew they fought too damn much. Even when there was no damn fight to be had.

Before either of their partners could reply the doorbell rang and they all scurried to the door to get the pizza. Lafayette handed over payment in addition to a very generous tip, earning a huff from Alexander who was still reluctant to let either of his wealthy partners pay for him. The trio spent the rest of the evening eating and conversing while Alexander and Lafayette did their best to make John feel better without them noticing the extra effort while they pretended not to notice. Later when they couldn't sleep and the thought of death nagged at them they simply thought of Alexander trying to make them smile, of Lafayette showering them in small affections and agreeing to spar with them tomorrow. They fell asleep smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly don't know if this was any good oops. Hmu on my tumblr humhallelujaln to like request shit or bond or whatever. Also check out my other stuff maybe? I'm totally procrastinating doing my research for the next chapter of 'close your eyes to what you can't imagine' yikes. Umm yeah. Comment for my undying love. Would you be interested in more of this verse after this fic ends? Was it Confusing alternating names throughout this chapter? Do I actually suck? Put your thoughts in the wonderful box bellow.

**Author's Note:**

> Leave a comment maybe? Pls do not misgender Jay!! (Poor baby has to put up with it enough)


End file.
